Wednesday, 23 November 2016



Once in a while, or very often, depending on how rich or poor your company is, especially around the time when the year is very tired and about to retire, your generous boss, who sometimes doubles up as your enemy, especially when you are not meeting the set targets, the same person you love to despise - especially when your salary is delayed even for three hours - will feel philanthropic, hence he or she ends up spoiling you by organizing a party for you and and you colleagues.

The party - also nicknamed 'bash' by the millenials - will most likely take place in one of the posh restaurants or high end resort, the kinds of places where a cup of tea (not really a cup, but a small imitation of a cup, ten times smaller than average cups, suitable for children playing 'kalongo') goes for the same price as a gram of pure gold, hence giving you a glimpse of how the high and mighty, those people with heavy titles before their names eat life with a 'large spoon' In fact, it affords you an opportunity of a lifetime to dine with the kings and queens of your class oriented society. If you are not considered a 'Mutongoria Njamba' (King) where you come from, then consider the opportunity as God sent.

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As the party unfolds before your eyes, it brings with it a series of entertaining sessions and eye opening experiences. Many things will happen, some openly, others undercover. Introverts will metamorphose into extroverts, the most reserved will mutate into coveted dancers and for some, it will be the first time they go to bed with wine. The usually timid men will be transformed into fast and smooth talkers, who can sedduce giggling  ladies within a few seconds, the same men whose 'love radar' had been so ineffective, that they could not pick up overt signals from single ladies in the office, as they palpitated their gluteus maximus (I know you will google that) along the office corridors.

So, how does it all begin? The party usually kicks off with a hurriedly taken meal (Lunch or dinner) washed down with a few soft drinks. Food is usually taken as if it is a necessary evil. Meanwhile, several pairs of restless eyes will be trained on the door from which 'booze' will emerge. The meal will be followed by a few platitudinous speeches about the year's progress and blah! blah! blah! No one really listens or cares.

And then finally the long awaited 'hero' named wine arrives and when it arrives it takes control. Nothing can explain the hullabaloo that follows as people engage in discourse, all at once, trying to outdo one another, in their knowledge of topical issues, from politics to relationship matters. That is when it dawns on you that 97.213% of employees in your company are actually drunkards (EABL are you reading this?). Almost everyone rushes to get a bottle of the hard stuff as music fills the air. All troubles, including unmet targets and heart breaks, disappear into thin air, as people sample the best of the frothy liquids from Ruaraka.

As the farmented liquids start taking authority over people's minds, they start getting up one by one and taking over the dance floor. That is when you realize that the guy from accounts department, who is always very reserved is actually an aspiring acrobat, as he unleashes one dance move after the other. You will find two people, a lady and a man, who have never engaged in any intelligible discourse before, dancing very close to one another. The man will dancing lustfully while salivating (typical of team 'fisi') at the lady's assets. The lady on the other hand will be gyrating her posterior without a care in the world. Not even the mention of the CEO's name can scare her.

The supposedly modest ladies and gentlemen will be seen hiding in dark corners as they dance to the music, but sooner than soon, they will be spotted on the well lit dance floor, dancing without any care in the world.

Then there is that guy, a new comer in the world of alcoholism. At first he dilly dallys with the thought of getting high. He misses the first round of helping oneself with a bottle of the frothy liquid. He has just remembered that his religious mom, an overzealous enemy of satan, made him swear never to touch alcohol. He is torn between listening to his mom or to the seductive voice of the wine, which seems to be beckoning him, "Come my son, come and experience the joys of my world." And you know very well that the voice of wine, can be overly sweetened, like that of a wicked seductive empress. He starts looking for biblical verses which support wine, not forgeting the one about Timothy being told to "Drink no longer water but a little wine for thy stomach's sake"

Do not be surprised when this particular guy starts mixing wine with the mango flavoured Delmonte juice at first, and then graduates into an award winning alcoholic as the party progresses into the wee hours of the night. He will most likely be woken up from his deep slumber on the dance floor by the waiters and waitresses, the following day, but then, the end year party is all about enjoying yourself and we do so in varied ways.

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